18 posts tagged “family”

Looking backwards instead of forwards... I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I was catching up on Lucky Lass' posts, and she talked about it at some point in May/June as well. Why is it that it is SO easy to spend SO much time looking backwards? And it seems to me that it becomes even easier to look backwards and wish for what was when things get really difficult - when what we really need to be doing is looking forward?

As I've mentioned, June brought about a lot of not necessarily unwanted changes, just changes that needed to be done and the timing of them snuck up on me. I could have let the changes go, but I didn't think I could last another year in purgatory, waiting for the time to come again. So I made the changes now, and it seemed to make everything that much harder. And all I kept thinking about was how easy it all seemed when I was younger. How nice it was to have two parents and a small town, a loving family all living within 20 minutes of me. A loving Grandmother (with a pool) only 2 blocks away - I lost my Grandfather when I was 9. Those long summer days where I'd spend time with my mom in the morning, likely in her classroom doing summer moving and planning. Then the afternoons were spent at my grandmother's house, in the pool with my mom and/or my Aunt. The evenings were spent around the neighborhood with the kids, on my bike, playing games, running around, or maybe just staying cool and reading a book or working on some crafts. (I've always had an affinity for embroidery, and I've have my nose cemented into books since my mom taught me to read when I was 3). I know I was incredibly lucky for so many reasons. And I was even luckier as a child with a full-time working mom who got to spend her summers with me - the joys of having a teacher for a parent.

Maybe because I had such a wonderful childhood, and probably because the aching in my heart of missing my Daddy has increased exponentially, and most likely because of all the ridiculous drama I've put myself through lately, its just been so wonderful to look back, to remember those summers (and even the winters, and falls and springs) and wish for them back, at least for a little. Its been a little disorienting too, because I've always been a forward thinker, wanting to know what was around the next corner and the best way(s) to get there - but instead of looking forward and figuring things out, I've been looking backward. A lot of it comes too from the fact that I haven't been able to get home as much this summer as I would like, and also because this summer has been so completely turbulent.

And maybe this sounds trite, but a lot of it boils down to being lonely. I’m seriously the only one of all my close friends that is single. Everyone is either in a relationship, engaged or married, or even just paired off. I’ve become the token single friend, the funny girl that appears to be ok on her own, and while I’m completely content to fill the role to keep everyone entertained and happy, it’s starting to grate on my nerves. I have to say, it has gotten better since I’ve gotten used to living alone again. I think that that was a big thing for me. As much as I wanted to live alone, and as happy as I am having my own sacred space again, there is a certain time required for adjustment. Even when you’re living in a not so good roommate situation, there’s still a roommate, another body that’s there. But its just me and the kitty again, and my neighbor in the other half of my house, and we’re content. I certainly wouldn’t mind having a partner in crime, but I’m sure that will happen when the time and the person are right.

But being content doesn’t stop me from pining away some nights, wanting to be at home with my family, back where things are easier – or at least appear to be easier. Wanting things to be the way they were, before Daddy was gone, before he even got sick, before I grew up. Is this unusual? Or am I the only one that’s really pining for my childhood. I guess I’m really lucky because my childhood was good enough that I want to go back. I mean, it certainly wasn’t perfect, and there were ups and downs and bad days to counteract the good days, but it was home. It was family. It was good. And I’m glad that I cherished it the way I did when I had it, I don’t feel that I took it for granted, but I do wish a lot that I could go back. Just for a short while. I guess that’s what dreams are for, right?...

I went home to PA this weekend to spend some quality time with the women in my life - my mother, grandmother, and my two aunts, who also happen to both be my Godmothers. I took them out for a nice dinner - a tradition I started a few years ago (before grad school broke my bank) but wasn't able to carry on again until this year (yay for being gainfully - and full-time - employed!). Its a tradition I hope to continue for many years - its the absolute least I could do considering all that these amazing women have done for me over the years. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I'm pretty damn blessed to have been born to this particular family. :) 

To all the mothers (and Grandmothers and Godmothers) out there, thank you for everything that you do! I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day!

I've got a million things swirling around in my head, and have been tossing things around to post about for the past few days. But now that I'm finally sitting in front of a computer with time to compose, its all gone out of my head. I'm hoping that a slow(er) weekend at home in PA with my farmily (yes, I meant to type that) will help a little. Or at least give me fodder to post about, lol. I've been so incredibly busy this week that even making a decision hurts. I was meeting people for lunch today, and I asked them what time they wanted to meet and gave them 3 options. Instead of naming a time, I get "Well what time do you want to go?" I literally thought my head was going to explode from the strain of it all. Its been a ridiculously busy week, especially with my allergy issues. I'm hoping that although I now have a second job, things will be a little calmer next week. Just a smidge, that's all.

And I promise to nap during the morning commute on the metro ;)

... to escape the city. That's what I did this weekend. A friend of mine (V) and I hopped in my car and went to Colonial Williamsburg. It wasn't a spur of the moment trip, but I'm positive there *will* be many of those in our future :) My mom and her boyfriend - who are both retired - were "wintering" in Florida in his motorhome. They started the Northward Pilgrimage (as I've deemed it) last week, and way back in March had asked me if I wanted to meet them in Williamsburg. I'd never been there before and it was quality time with the parental units - AND another friend from grad school is living and working there (J) - so we decided to kill about 8 birds with one stone, because we're THAT good. :)

Friday was a gorgeous day and I managed to get out of work early, so I spent some time just relaxing on the waterfront in Old Town Alexandria. Then I met V for an outdoor dinner, waited for traffic to die down a bit and got on our way. It was a beautiful drive - gorgeous weather, gorgeous scenery - and we spent a good portion of it flying down I-95S with the top open on my car. It was fabulous, and it gave V and I a chance to just chat and catch up.

Saturday we spent with the parental units in Colonial Williamsburg and we couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. It was warm and sunny, with a slight breeze. Absolutely gorgeous! And Colonial Williamsburg is so beautiful. My mom - because it was only $9 more than the day pass - got me a year pass, so I fully intend to utilize it and go back down. Maybe I'll go again in the summer, escape the tourists in DC and be one myself somewhere, and I'm definitely planning on going again for the fall and for the Christmas extravaganza. I've heard so much about it - and seen enough photos - that I'm definitely very interested. V and I got these great wide brimmed straw hats - I fully intend to use mine at the beach this summer (which also means I'm fully intending on getting some decent beach time in this summer) and maybe possibly if I feel like being touristy downtown, lol.

Saturday night I was able to partake of a Passover Seder at J's place, and it was incredible. I'd never had the opportunity to attend a Seder before, and I'm always interested in learning new things about good and people's religions, so this was something I didn't want to pass up. I ate SO MUCH food and it was all fantastic - even the gefilte fish! J is an amazing cook, and I was not disappointed. It was really cool to see the kinds of traditions that are involved and all of the symbolism. And I thoroughly enjoyed the Paschal Yam (and not the Paschal Lamb).

Sunday it was rainy and gross so none of us - 'rents included - got moving anywhere very early. J took us to the Rockefeller Library where she works, and we went to the Museum, which was really incredible. So many beautiful things, and I especially enjoyed the Dollhouse Exhibition and the Needlepoint Exhibition. By the time we finished in the museum, the rain had let up a little bit, so we were able to walk through Market Square. And then we all hit a wall and realized just how exhausted we were and went our separate ways.

The ride back to DC was interesting - traffic was heavy, the weather was insane, and it rained so hard that it overpowered the weather-stripping on the convertible top of my car and starting leaking on me and V. We had to shove napkins all over the place to try and stop the flow, lol. But I had a new Tomtom to guide me, and it was very nice. Tomtom was like "Don't worry my child. I'll do the thinking FOR you, you just follow my voice and I will guide you home." Uber-fabulous :) (Thanks mom!)

It was just SO NICE to get out of the city and get a break from it all for a weekend. And I definitely saw two palm trees in Williamsburg. They were in front of the Hampton Inn that we passed, and they were the kind that looked like oversized Pineapples :) Seeing the palm trees definitely made me very happy. Today was exhausting though. I don't think I realized how much the weekend had tired me out. It felt good though - it was a good kind of tired, one that you actually feel like you've done something to warrant being tired.

And on that note, I'm going to say goodnight so that I may catch up on my sleep :) Gute nacht!

I drove to PA to visit my family this weekend. It had been far too long since I had been home. Since I've moved back to the east coast, I was making an effort to get home at least once a month. A 3 hour drive seemed like nothing in comparison to the 8.5 hours it took me to drive home from Michigan. But I hadn't been home since my Christmas, in the beginning of January. The first time I was supposed to go home, my car didn't pass VA's state inspection, and came thisclose to going over the deep end. It had been a stressful week and that was almost the straw that broke the camel's back. I obviously got through it, but I decided that stable Mabel probably wasn't in any condition to drive home in a car that would end up needing $650 worth of repairs (God bless my mother for being the kind and generous soul she is, because she paid for those very expensive repairs!) The second time I tried to go home, for my Aunt's traditional Italian 60th birthday party, I ended up with a terrible stomach flu - I started throwing up in the middle of a Friday night date and didn't stop for 3 full days. Needless to say, I was in no condition to even crawl away from the toilet, let alone drive home to see my family. So this time, come hell or high water, I was going home. Well, it wasn't hell *or* high water, but it was a hell of a lot of snow. Only in PA though... and it progressively got worse the closer I got to home. There was so much snow already on the ground that you couldn't see the road markings on I-81. I'm pretty sure I spent most of the time driving down the center of both lanes, except for when the semis and idiot drivers were trying to pass me. I made it home in one piece (I do love my teeny tiny SUV) and tried to enjoy the snow. But it was pointless. I think Michigan did me in... I'm O-V-E-R winter. I think I need a few years before I can truly enjoy winter again. I realized, though, that I don't miss the snow. Not one bit. But what I do miss is the fact that when it does snow, the world doesn't end. People continue to travel, they continue to drive, they know how to drive. I'm still having a hard time adjusting to the VA mentality when it comes to snow... one flake and all hell breaks loose. But I'll get used to it. I'm certainly glad that winter is much more mild in the Mid-Atlantic region, but I think I need some North Carolina moderation for awhile. Somewhere sunny that doesn't get below 35 degrees. Ever. Or even 40 :) I'm certainly enjoying the beautiful weather we've been blessed with today.

It was a good weekend at home... I got to see a lot of people, helped out with a function at the church I grew up in, and got to spend a lot of great time with my family. Its amazing how quickly the weekends go. But I have to say, it does feel damn good getting back to the life I've made for myself here. I love my family, and I do miss them, but I love my "me time." I love the time I have in the car, just me, all alone with my thoughts. It would be really nice if I had an autopilot function though, because all of my best musings come to me when I'm tied up with driving and not able to write them down. I think through a lot of stuff when I'm driving, and I have a lot of a-HA moments, things I want to remember, but when I finally get somewhere that I can write the down... POOF! They're all gone.

I feel like there is so much more inside my head, swirling around, waiting to be tapped into, but I just can't get it out. Oh well, maybe there will be another post later on this evening. We'll see.... I think I'm going to go find my journal and see if I can't get something out into there. Ciao!

February 17th has always been a special day in my family. It was my Dad's birthday. He would have been 63 this year, and I always like to remember him even more on his birthday than on any other day - which incidentally is kinda hard, because I think of him a lot on a daily basis. I think of how lucky I am that he was there to see me graduate from high school, and how lucky I am that he was there to see me graduate from college and how proud he was that I was applying to grad school. I know that he was smiling down on me last April when I finally did get my Master's degree. And most of all I think of how lucky I am to not only have had a father for as long as I did, but to have had a father who loved me so much and who was so proud of me. There were certainly hard times, no relationship is perfect, especially not one between an overprotective father and his stubborn daughter (who had *his* temper and stubborn streak) and there were definitely days when we were better off pretending the other person didn't exist for awhile. But he was a wonderful father and I'm grateful for all the wonderful times we had together and all the love and support he gave me. He challenged me to be better person, and he demanded nothing but the utmost respect not only for him, but for myself as well. He was hard on me for my own benefit, and for that, I'll always be grateful.

So today I'd like to honor his memory, and remember him for the man he was, flaws and all. I know that wherever he is, he's in a much better place and he's most definitely watching out for me. Along with my grandfather and all the other members of my family who have moved on from this life. Thanks for all the lectures, all the lessons, and most of all, for making me sit down to dinner with you and Mommy every night. I hated it then, especially when none of my friends had to do it, but I'm *so* grateful now that I had that time with you. Thanks for putting up with my pathetic parcheesi and checkers skills, and for letting me beat you every once in awhile. Thanks for pushing me to do better than my best and for never letting me settle for anything less than I deserved. Most of all, thanks for being there for me and loving me even when I didn't deserve it.

Happy Birthday, Daddy! I love you and I miss you, always. Love, Your Little Girl

Do I just attract extreme situations? I've had a lot of things happen that could be said to have catalyzed relationships or accelerated them... Or is it my path in this life to always move at mach10 and learn my lessons the hard way, after the fact. After I've been beaten to a bloody pulp yet again because I've trusted too soon, moved too fast, let someone in before I should have. This is starting to sound really egocentric, and on some levels it really is, but its more an attempt for me to understand. Because I just don't get it. Its been like that my whole life, and I don't know where the root of it lies, or even how to go about changing it. One of my teachers in high school - my 1SG in JROTC actually - used to tell me that there was no middle ground with me. I'm either all the way up or all the way down. I've wondered if I'm manic, but I really don't think any of the signs are there. I mean, there have definitely been clear chemical imbalances in the brains of my bloodlines, but I've never really felt like its been a problem. I guess you could say I'm just very high-spirited and passionate, but does that really explain it all away?

I know this sounds a little weird, but I'm on a mission. I want to get to know myself again, get to know who I am now as opposed to who I used to be, who I thought I was or am. I want to get myself in line first and foremost for myself, but also so that I can be a better partner to whomever I'm supposed to be with. I've been on quite a bender lately to find a boyfriend - a companion, partner in crime, whatever - or cultivate a lasting relationship, and when you want it that bad, when you're focusing on it that much, its not going to happen. But I've also never been a very patient person either, so waiting around for it to happen, for the timing to be right, whatever, its really hard. So I've decided to take a proactive approach. I'm going to go from the ground up, inside out, and work on making myself into the best, happiest most content person I can be, and things will go from there. I guess. This is all sounding a little schmaltzy, but welcome to the inner monologue of my brain. I've gotten back to journaling, although not nearly as much or as frequently as I would like, and as you can see, I'm making more of an effort to love my blog since I have been sorely lacking in that department. I'm hoping all of this will help slow the brain down a little and give me time to figure what's really going on in there.

Anyway, if anyone has any tips, suggestions etc for meditating, can you please pass them along to me? I want to get back to yoga because it was very beneficial for me, and I'd like to work at meditating, but as you can see from this blog, I have a really hard time slowing down, turning my brain off and just being. Meditating is something fairly new, and I want to make it work. Its cheaper and hopefully as effective as therapy. ;)

I got a Hippopotamus for Christmas!

I've been singing that ridiculous - but extremely catching - little Christmas song for two years now. And finally, Santa brought me a Hippopotamus! :) Does this mean I'm not allowed to sing it anymore? Was this all a big ploy to shut me up? Hahahaha... either way, I'm pretty happy with my Hippo!

To all of my Orthodox compadres, Christos Razdajetsja! Slavite Jeho! Merry Christmas!

I dream frequently, and I dream vividly, and I always find my dreams interesting. My subconscious is an incredible thing.

Last night I dreamt that I died. But not in a bad way or a scary way. I was just hanging out with some friends in a place that was a combination of work (the place I just finished) and home. I think I was feeling a little tired or something and then I walked through a doorframe that was just freestanding in the middle of the room, and then *poof* just like Sirius Black in Harry Potter, it was all over. But nothing out of the ordinary happened. I continued to do what I had been doing right before that moment, but I just kept thinking of how I screwed up and my family was going to be so heartbroken. I kept right on doing what I had been doing before I walked through that doorframe but I was acutely aware of the fact that I was no longer "alive." It was crazy. But it wasn't terrifying or gut-wrenching. I think the most upsetting thing was how run-of-the-mill if all felt.

I didn't wake up freaking out or anything, just sort of slowly drifted awake. I think on some level throughout the entire dream, I knew it was a dream, so it was easier to just go along with the ride. Totally bizarre though. But not entirely unexpected. I've been thinking a lot about mortality lately. Having a friend in a coma for two months, visiting him in a nursing home, and having anniversaries of loved one's deaths definitely make you think about things a little more. I'm sure that's why this topic even came up in the dream in the first place.

In the spirit of neighborhood lists and the upcoming holiday, I've decided to share just a small portion of the things I'm grateful for in this life. The blessings you are given are not always easy to see, but having to cut through the pain and hard times to see them makes the silver lining that much more brilliant.

I am thankful for...

•  A loving, caring, supportive family - A family that loves me so much that they're willing to let me experience the pain of life without interfering, always knowing that I will come out a stronger, wiser person. A family that will be there for me no matter what, not judging me on any decisions or mistakes that I've made, but knowing that I have learned and will continue to learn from them. A family that will unfalteringly stand by my side, and always lets me know how just much I am loved.
  
• The most amazing friends that anyone could want - friends who tolerate my insanity on a regular basis, deal with my extreme emotional shifts, love me even when I'm at my most unlovable, and call/e-mail to see how I am when I've managed to fall off the face of the planet yet again.
• Incredible opportunities in abundance.
  
• The sense to recognize these opportunities when they are presented and to make the most of them.
  
• Experiences that have showed me what true friendship is all about, and just *who* my true friends are.
• Tragic experiences that have taught me to appreciate the value of life - to understand how fragile it is and how quickly it can all be taken away.
• The ability to see and experience things and come away having learned something, no matter how small.
• The ability to see the glass as half full.
  

This is by no means a complete list, and will probably be subject to updating in the future.

For all of these things, and for all the things that I neglected to mention, I am grateful.