12 posts tagged “gratitude”

Looking backwards instead of forwards... I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I was catching up on Lucky Lass' posts, and she talked about it at some point in May/June as well. Why is it that it is SO easy to spend SO much time looking backwards? And it seems to me that it becomes even easier to look backwards and wish for what was when things get really difficult - when what we really need to be doing is looking forward?

As I've mentioned, June brought about a lot of not necessarily unwanted changes, just changes that needed to be done and the timing of them snuck up on me. I could have let the changes go, but I didn't think I could last another year in purgatory, waiting for the time to come again. So I made the changes now, and it seemed to make everything that much harder. And all I kept thinking about was how easy it all seemed when I was younger. How nice it was to have two parents and a small town, a loving family all living within 20 minutes of me. A loving Grandmother (with a pool) only 2 blocks away - I lost my Grandfather when I was 9. Those long summer days where I'd spend time with my mom in the morning, likely in her classroom doing summer moving and planning. Then the afternoons were spent at my grandmother's house, in the pool with my mom and/or my Aunt. The evenings were spent around the neighborhood with the kids, on my bike, playing games, running around, or maybe just staying cool and reading a book or working on some crafts. (I've always had an affinity for embroidery, and I've have my nose cemented into books since my mom taught me to read when I was 3). I know I was incredibly lucky for so many reasons. And I was even luckier as a child with a full-time working mom who got to spend her summers with me - the joys of having a teacher for a parent.

Maybe because I had such a wonderful childhood, and probably because the aching in my heart of missing my Daddy has increased exponentially, and most likely because of all the ridiculous drama I've put myself through lately, its just been so wonderful to look back, to remember those summers (and even the winters, and falls and springs) and wish for them back, at least for a little. Its been a little disorienting too, because I've always been a forward thinker, wanting to know what was around the next corner and the best way(s) to get there - but instead of looking forward and figuring things out, I've been looking backward. A lot of it comes too from the fact that I haven't been able to get home as much this summer as I would like, and also because this summer has been so completely turbulent.

And maybe this sounds trite, but a lot of it boils down to being lonely. I’m seriously the only one of all my close friends that is single. Everyone is either in a relationship, engaged or married, or even just paired off. I’ve become the token single friend, the funny girl that appears to be ok on her own, and while I’m completely content to fill the role to keep everyone entertained and happy, it’s starting to grate on my nerves. I have to say, it has gotten better since I’ve gotten used to living alone again. I think that that was a big thing for me. As much as I wanted to live alone, and as happy as I am having my own sacred space again, there is a certain time required for adjustment. Even when you’re living in a not so good roommate situation, there’s still a roommate, another body that’s there. But its just me and the kitty again, and my neighbor in the other half of my house, and we’re content. I certainly wouldn’t mind having a partner in crime, but I’m sure that will happen when the time and the person are right.

But being content doesn’t stop me from pining away some nights, wanting to be at home with my family, back where things are easier – or at least appear to be easier. Wanting things to be the way they were, before Daddy was gone, before he even got sick, before I grew up. Is this unusual? Or am I the only one that’s really pining for my childhood. I guess I’m really lucky because my childhood was good enough that I want to go back. I mean, it certainly wasn’t perfect, and there were ups and downs and bad days to counteract the good days, but it was home. It was family. It was good. And I’m glad that I cherished it the way I did when I had it, I don’t feel that I took it for granted, but I do wish a lot that I could go back. Just for a short while. I guess that’s what dreams are for, right?...

Its been quite awhile since the last time I posted a blog, something that's weighed heavily on my mind probably since the last time I actually posted. I haven't forgotten you, my Dear, Dear Vox, or you, my readers, I've just been dealing with life and didn't really have the capacity or frame of mind to write about it. Don't feel too neglected, because I wasn't even capable of journalling in the past 2 months. Oh sure, I've carried my little travelling journal book with me everywhere, I've taken it out, looked at it, wished for the sense of mind to actually put pen to paper and write, but there was nothing. Too much was going on in my personal and work life. It was all swirling around and around in my head, and the solution was to get it out, on paper or on a computer screen, but I couldn't do either. Instead, I dealt by putting my head down, plowing forward, trying to keep it all together when I was coming apart at the seams.

The past few months have been incredibly busy, and incredibly difficult. June marked a year since I moved to DC, and while I thought I was going to remain stationary and continue living where I had been, I realized unexpectedly - in the eleventh hour - that for my own peace of mind and sanity, I had to get out. I ended realizing with about 10 days to spare that I needed to get out, find a new place to live that was within my price range, and somehow move all of my belongings into that space. It was frantic, stressful, overwhelming, and most of all, crippling. Among other things that were going on personally, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. It sparked a whole chain of negative self-exploration, and I started focusing on all of my flaws, all of my weaknesses, and defining myself by them, completely forgetting all of the positives. I felt like a child again, like I couldn't make it through the day without my mommy, and tears were more than a daily occurrence, they were an hourly visitor. Anxiety and sleeplessness were constant companions, and I couldn't even count on my cat for some feline love because my stress was affecting almost as drastically as it was affecting me.

June also brought about the memories of all that I had learned in the past year - the hard life lessons, the friendships earned and lost, the things surrounding the death of friendship and birth of new ones; job changes, worklife drama, personal exhaustion. But also all of the amazing things that I've learned in the past year, all of the wonderful adventures I've had and the many, many blessings that have come my way. I'm certainly not the same person who packed her life in Michigan and moved back to the east coast, brand new Master's degree in hand. I don';t think I want to be that person anymore. Change is good, and I've learned so much - I feel like I've changed so much, and in some ways, I feel like I haven't changed one bit. Its been an interesting time. But I'm in a new home - but an old house - which I love, despite all of its problems. Its been wonderful living alone again and having the peace of mind that comes with it, but its also a little nerve-wracking until you get used to it. I'm looking forward to fully unpacking and getting used to it.

I've had a lot things going on in my head that I wanted to post, but I haven't prioritized the time, or retained what exactly it was that I wanted to post. Its been a turbulent time, but I'm looking forward to the waters calming a bit. I'm looking forward to getting back to posting and journaling and trying my had at the 5 word challenge again. I just wanted to say "Hello Vox, I hope you remember me," and let my returning presence be know. I hope all is well in the world of Vox and I look forward to catching up with all of my neighbors. :)

Do you remember where you were, a year ago today? A year ago, at the very moment that you found out about the massacre at Virginia Tech. I certainly do. I was in the airy and open stairwell in my grad program's section of our building on campus. I was with a close friend and one of the kindest people on the staff. There's a television mounted on the third floor landing, and that's where I first heard the news. None of us knew what to say, as we stood there watching that television screen. I listened to what had happened, and tried to understand, tried to fully comprehend. I was less than two weeks away from my own commencement, and all I could think was that these young people weren't going to see their own, how tragic it was, and how devastating.

I'd be lying if I said the first thought that had gone through my head was anything other than "Not again. Not another school shooting." All I could do was sit down on the steps and take it in for a few minutes. To think about the brevity of it. I was in Michigan, so far away from the actual events, but I felt them very deeply. It could have happened anywhere on any college campus, at any time, to anyone. I thought about the fear that the students must have felt, the adrenaline coursing through their veins, the thought that this might be the end. I can't even imagine what it was like to actually *feel* those emotions.

I thought about those students when I put on my graduation robe, as I pinned the maroon and orange ribbons in memory of them on my robe, and I thought about them as I walked across the stage and was given my Master's degree.

Here, now, in DC, it seems as if the year anniversary of the massacre has taken a backseat to the continuous coverage of the Pope's every move during his visit here. I thought it was important to stop and take a minute to think about what happened a year ago today, to think about all of those promising young people who will never get the chance to live a long and full life, who will never see their dreams coming to fruition - young people who wanted to leave a mark on this world, and without even knowing it, made a deeper indentation than they ever could have imagined. I think of those students today and honor their memory. And I'm grateful that I was given the opporunity that they weren't - to be given another day, another year, to live, to make my dreams come true. To experience 365 more sunrises and sunsets. I think of them today, in sadness, in reverence, and in gratitude.

Remember

It was SOOOO jam packed! I haven't had a weekend like that in a very long time, and while it was entirely exhausting, it was even more completely fabulous! Friday night I went to see my friend Ginger's awesome band, The Hall Monitors. They were absolutely incredible, and they played with The Shalitas from Brooklyn, who were equally as incredible. I totally have a girl-crush on all three of those Shalitas. You have no idea! So Friday night was spent having an awesome time, listening to great music with my girly-posse. Saturday was some work at home, a serious spring cleaning, and then my roommate cooked chicken cacciatore for us and two of our friends. It was a really fun, relaxing evening. And what made it even better was the fact that my friend totally gelled with my roommate and her friend. After dinner we all bonded over an awesome table of desserts at Le Matins de Paris - I got this incredible Fruit Bingsoo which I'm pretty sure I dreamt about on Saturday night, lol. Of course, we ladies were out late enjoying these incredible desserts, so when we finally got back home, I was almost too tired to play some Guitar Hero... but I managed to bust out a few songs, watch 2 episodes of Veronica Mars - one of the best shows ever - and then I finally crashed. I was so tired on Sunday morning, thanks to being up too late and the time change.

Sunday was the usual brunch at the best restaurant ever, and then Shear Madness at the Kennedy Center. It was AB-SO-LUTE-LY HYSTERICAL! It was more than I had anticipated and even more gut-bustingly funny than I could have anticipated. And all that political incorrectness in the heart of PC-World really made it all the more hilarious. Seriously, every day, I just think of how freaking blessed I am to have such great friends, and to have such a full and happy life. I know I've been over-the-top schmoopy lately, but seriously, I'm just so ridiculously content, and I'm going to ride the wave for as long as I can. ;) And tomorrow I'm heading to the orthodontist to get the first installment of my braces on - I'll get the rest on on Friday. I'm so excited! I'm going to have the most beautiful, perfect smile. After tomorrow, my teeth are never going to look the same again! And THAT, my friends, is one of the many reasons why I've been so ridiculously happy lately :)

I hope everyone else had a great weekend!

I drove to PA to visit my family this weekend. It had been far too long since I had been home. Since I've moved back to the east coast, I was making an effort to get home at least once a month. A 3 hour drive seemed like nothing in comparison to the 8.5 hours it took me to drive home from Michigan. But I hadn't been home since my Christmas, in the beginning of January. The first time I was supposed to go home, my car didn't pass VA's state inspection, and came thisclose to going over the deep end. It had been a stressful week and that was almost the straw that broke the camel's back. I obviously got through it, but I decided that stable Mabel probably wasn't in any condition to drive home in a car that would end up needing $650 worth of repairs (God bless my mother for being the kind and generous soul she is, because she paid for those very expensive repairs!) The second time I tried to go home, for my Aunt's traditional Italian 60th birthday party, I ended up with a terrible stomach flu - I started throwing up in the middle of a Friday night date and didn't stop for 3 full days. Needless to say, I was in no condition to even crawl away from the toilet, let alone drive home to see my family. So this time, come hell or high water, I was going home. Well, it wasn't hell *or* high water, but it was a hell of a lot of snow. Only in PA though... and it progressively got worse the closer I got to home. There was so much snow already on the ground that you couldn't see the road markings on I-81. I'm pretty sure I spent most of the time driving down the center of both lanes, except for when the semis and idiot drivers were trying to pass me. I made it home in one piece (I do love my teeny tiny SUV) and tried to enjoy the snow. But it was pointless. I think Michigan did me in... I'm O-V-E-R winter. I think I need a few years before I can truly enjoy winter again. I realized, though, that I don't miss the snow. Not one bit. But what I do miss is the fact that when it does snow, the world doesn't end. People continue to travel, they continue to drive, they know how to drive. I'm still having a hard time adjusting to the VA mentality when it comes to snow... one flake and all hell breaks loose. But I'll get used to it. I'm certainly glad that winter is much more mild in the Mid-Atlantic region, but I think I need some North Carolina moderation for awhile. Somewhere sunny that doesn't get below 35 degrees. Ever. Or even 40 :) I'm certainly enjoying the beautiful weather we've been blessed with today.

It was a good weekend at home... I got to see a lot of people, helped out with a function at the church I grew up in, and got to spend a lot of great time with my family. Its amazing how quickly the weekends go. But I have to say, it does feel damn good getting back to the life I've made for myself here. I love my family, and I do miss them, but I love my "me time." I love the time I have in the car, just me, all alone with my thoughts. It would be really nice if I had an autopilot function though, because all of my best musings come to me when I'm tied up with driving and not able to write them down. I think through a lot of stuff when I'm driving, and I have a lot of a-HA moments, things I want to remember, but when I finally get somewhere that I can write the down... POOF! They're all gone.

I feel like there is so much more inside my head, swirling around, waiting to be tapped into, but I just can't get it out. Oh well, maybe there will be another post later on this evening. We'll see.... I think I'm going to go find my journal and see if I can't get something out into there. Ciao!

February 17th has always been a special day in my family. It was my Dad's birthday. He would have been 63 this year, and I always like to remember him even more on his birthday than on any other day - which incidentally is kinda hard, because I think of him a lot on a daily basis. I think of how lucky I am that he was there to see me graduate from high school, and how lucky I am that he was there to see me graduate from college and how proud he was that I was applying to grad school. I know that he was smiling down on me last April when I finally did get my Master's degree. And most of all I think of how lucky I am to not only have had a father for as long as I did, but to have had a father who loved me so much and who was so proud of me. There were certainly hard times, no relationship is perfect, especially not one between an overprotective father and his stubborn daughter (who had *his* temper and stubborn streak) and there were definitely days when we were better off pretending the other person didn't exist for awhile. But he was a wonderful father and I'm grateful for all the wonderful times we had together and all the love and support he gave me. He challenged me to be better person, and he demanded nothing but the utmost respect not only for him, but for myself as well. He was hard on me for my own benefit, and for that, I'll always be grateful.

Isn't he handsome?

So today I'd like to honor his memory, and remember him for the man he was, flaws and all. I know that wherever he is, he's in a much better place and he's most definitely watching out for me. Along with my grandfather and all the other members of my family who have moved on from this life. Thanks for all the lectures, all the lessons, and most of all, for making me sit down to dinner with you and Mommy every night. I hated it then, especially when none of my friends had to do it, but I'm *so* grateful now that I had that time with you. Thanks for putting up with my pathetic parcheesi and checkers skills, and for letting me beat you every once in awhile. Thanks for pushing me to do better than my best and for never letting me settle for anything less than I deserved. Most of all, thanks for being there for me and loving me even when I didn't deserve it.

Happy Birthday, Daddy! I love you and I miss you, always. Love, Your Little Girl

Dinner from the Whole Foods fresh buffet: $15
Bottle of Champagne (which was actually never popped): $10
Bottle of Ibuprofen to deal with the aching back from sitting in an emergency room chair for 9 hours: $3
Ringing in the New Year with all the wonderful people in the Alexandria Inova Hospital ER and being given one shred of hope that our strapping young man's New Year's Eve trip to the ER may save him from going back to the shithole of a nursing home he's in and get him into a facility with more aggressive therapy which he so desperately needs and deserves: Priceless

Here's hoping that the year, although of to a rather crappy start, is the best one yet for everyone...

1. I started my new job on Monday
2. I attended a talk at work given by Afghanistan's Ambassador to the United States.
   
3. I found out I have the opportunity to be deployed to the Middle East for my job to perform the same civilian duties that I do at my job stateside - HOLY! CRAP! Yes, its dangerous, but its also an incredible opportunity to see a culture, a place in the world that most people won't ever get the opportunity to see in this lifetime
   
4. The sky is the limit at my new job - I have good feeling about this one :D
5. I attended a renowned pianist's performance at the residence of the Egyptian Ambassador tonight. And the Egyptian Ambassador personally welcomed me to his home and shook my hand. Nice! It doesn't get much cooler than that. Oh yeah, except for my new job :D
   

In the spirit of neighborhood lists and the upcoming holiday, I've decided to share just a small portion of the things I'm grateful for in this life. The blessings you are given are not always easy to see, but having to cut through the pain and hard times to see them makes the silver lining that much more brilliant.

I am thankful for...

•  A loving, caring, supportive family - A family that loves me so much that they're willing to let me experience the pain of life without interfering, always knowing that I will come out a stronger, wiser person. A family that will be there for me no matter what, not judging me on any decisions or mistakes that I've made, but knowing that I have learned and will continue to learn from them. A family that will unfalteringly stand by my side, and always lets me know how just much I am loved.
  
• The most amazing friends that anyone could want - friends who tolerate my insanity on a regular basis, deal with my extreme emotional shifts, love me even when I'm at my most unlovable, and call/e-mail to see how I am when I've managed to fall off the face of the planet yet again.
• Incredible opportunities in abundance.
  
• The sense to recognize these opportunities when they are presented and to make the most of them.
  
• Experiences that have showed me what true friendship is all about, and just *who* my true friends are.
• Tragic experiences that have taught me to appreciate the value of life - to understand how fragile it is and how quickly it can all be taken away.
• The ability to see and experience things and come away having learned something, no matter how small.
• The ability to see the glass as half full.
  

For all of these things, and for all the things that I neglected to mention, I am grateful.

It's amazing how much we take for granted on a daily basis. Even when other people have given us poignant examples of why we shouldn't take things for granted, we still do. Apparently we need our own wake-up calls to learn the lessons. Over and over and over again.

When I lost my father almost 3 years ago, it was a slap in the face. And a giant wake-up call to me that life is so much more fragile, so much more fleeting, than we ever realize. We're too busy getting from Point A to Point B, worrying about work, worrying about bills, worrying about trivial things. We forget to take time to sit back and enjoy what we have, before its too late. Even having such an amazingly strong lesson, I still often forget to be thankful for what I have, the blessings I've been given in this life.

Yesterday, I learned another hard lesson on just how fragile this all can be, how quickly you can lose it all. How lives can change in an instant. Luckily, it seems as if the fear of imminent death - in this case - is behind us, there is still a long road ahead of us. One that will be difficult, but very worth it, that will remind us every day to be thankful for what we have, because you never know when fate will step in and take it all away, or shake its fist and threaten to take it all away.

I just have been thinking a lot today how one second, one second, can forever alter not just one life, but many lives. One second is all it takes...